Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Noun]

Superb effort by all samsters for posting so many good jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

[bigbirdbird]

Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.

She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, botox, collagen ...the works.

Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman -- literally.

Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new "body work."

When the exam was finished, he called her in.

"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis."

Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo--what?"

"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s."

Bambi giggled, blushed and said, "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones quite often!"

[bigbirdbird]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his
next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[bigbirdbird]

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"

Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."

[orangeproud]

Hv a nice time reading n enjoying all these jokes.
Thank all the contributors!

[Tarmacs]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

This part had me laughing

[bigbirdbird]

A young woman goes out drinking one night, something that she normally doesn't do, and she gets really plastered!

The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her!

She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!"

The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."

[bigbirdbird]

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off.

He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked.

Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen
to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

[bigbirdbird]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[Cruyff]

Good jokes!!

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny And Little Suzy


Little Johnny and Little Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"
.

[bigbirdbird]

A young girl goes to her doctor very embarassed with a problem downstairs! after a lot of persausion the doctor finally gets her to remove her knickers which reveals that the girl has three vaginas!!!

One on the left one as usual in the middle and one to the right.

The doctor is very perplexed and scratches his head muttering things under his breath and disappears into the pharmacy next door.

He comes back a few minutes later and opens up a pack of waterproof plasters.

He takes two plasters out and places one over the right hand side vagina and the other over the left hand sided vagina.

The young girl asks the doctor "will this cure me doctor"?

The doctor replies, "No, but it will stop you getting fucked left, right and centre".