Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite "substitute";.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

[meijipcc]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.

Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like."

"Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blow-job. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

this is a really nice joke, hope there are more to come. support support.

[smoothjazz1918]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite "substitute";.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

LOL, this is really good. Thanks for sharing.

[dalazza]

Really good jokes, thanks!

[S.B.Y.1]

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.

You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married".

Husband : I found Aladdin's lamp today.
Wife : wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife : oh darling.. love u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero

Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!

A man gave his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?

Nooooo ! That was the deal.
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

[RobinGibb]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.

You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married".

Husband : I found Aladdin's lamp today.
Wife : wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife : oh darling.. love u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero

Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!

A man gave his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?

Nooooo ! That was the deal.
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"

Thanks bro!

[bigbirdbird]

Pick Up Lines that Might Get You Slapped

1. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.

2. Let's play Titanic, when I say 'ICEBERG', you go down.

3. You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.

4. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?

5. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?

6. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?

7. You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.

8. What time do you have to be in heaven.

9. I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?

10. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

11. How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

12. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

13. Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?

14. Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO" - Can I?

15. Playing Doctors is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist ?

16. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.

17. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? "No?" Well then, allow me to introduce myself.

18. The word for the day is 'Legs'. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

19. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.

20. Hi my name's Michael - Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on.

21. I'm new in town, could you give me directions to your place?

22. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.

23. That's a nice smile, its just too bad that's not the only thing you're wearing.

24. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

25. Nice outfit, but it would look better on my bedroom floor.

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

[bigbirdbird]

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

[bigbirdbird]

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "pussy". He did this only for a very short while, and then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "pussy". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

[bigbirdbird]

"It's funny,"says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."

"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."

They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."

She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.

"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.

"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."

[bigbirdbird]

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

[bigbirdbird]

Phrases Men Wish Their Women Would Say

"Awesome fart! Can you rip some more?"

"I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."

"Hey! Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"

"I'm bored...let' s shave my pussy."

"Say, let's go down to the mall so we can check out women's asses!"

"Are you sure you've had enough to drink?"

"I would rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."

"Let's subscribe to Hustler."

"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"

"Of course I'll swallow!"

[bruth]

Nice jokes bro, thanks!!

[bigbirdbird]

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more.

As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.

She agrees.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the cold floor!"