Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Pennsylviana]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Can get coconut milk too

[otamay]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*2nd Joke in 2020*

Just in case you all may not b aware......
We’re in the year of
*Too Old Too Old* (2020)😂🤪

Next year is worse!
*Too Old To Want* 2021😂😂
So, treasure what we have and what we can do! 😄

Then comes...
*Too Old To Do* (2022). 😂

Can I add to continue :

After 2022,

*Too Old To Treat* (2023)
If you want to give icecream (bj)

[Hurricane88]

Jokes for Tuesday...

[ThatsHappened]

Very good thread, thanks bros!

[Hurricane88]

Subject:
Don't Mess with old folks.
(Also those who are now *Seniors.)*👍🏼
They can’t boss us around!
 
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent.
But then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady *respectfully* 🙄.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.

Lo🤸🏼‍♂e it! 👍🏼😂💪🏼

[bigbirdbird]

Commuting



After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes..

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice, "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[bigbirdbird]

On Trial for Murder





“Your honour, I am 86 years old,” she addressed the judge.

“So, here I am, sitting there on porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

“He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour.

“So, I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So, I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man. Take me!"

“That's when he yelled, ‘April Fool!’

“And that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!”

[bigbirdbird]

In a Resort Town



My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town.

There was a local there who gave carriage ride to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting with my husband and my four-year-old daughter.

Now, I'm embarrassed to say this, but this horse had an erection, and my daughter was fascinated. As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, she yelled out, "Daddy! That horse has a penis -- like you!"

I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crowd seemed to be staring at me in admiration.

[bigbirdbird]

Looking



Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with long red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, no bra, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

[bigbirdbird]

Playing Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Lee's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any panties. Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Lee's wife, Sue, followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, he did.

Sue said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

Jim confirmed that he is very interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Lee played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Lee's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom, and Sue gave him a flipping great time.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Lee came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'Did he give you $500?

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did.'

Lee, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.'

[platinumcoins]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

On Trial for Murder





“Your honour, I am 86 years old,” she addressed the judge.

“So, here I am, sitting there on porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

“He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour.

“So, I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So, I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man. Take me!"

“That's when he yelled, ‘April Fool!’

“And that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!”

Very nice share bro ROFL

[Hurricane88]

Just for Laughs

🔴 Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later.

🔴 A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife ...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

🔴 A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away, You gave me youth, You took it away. You gave me a wife ... It's been years now, just reminding You.

🔴 A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answer "Because he's thinking of getting married".

🔴 Husband : I found Aladdin's lamp today.
Wife : Wow! what did u ask for darling??
Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife : Oh darling ... love u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

🔴 Employee : Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!

🔴 A man gave his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo ! That was the deal.

🔴 A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : Dear, you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband : That's at home ... here the chef knows how to cook.

🔴 Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"

[Kenmi]

Sudden lee is funny

[charlienicholas]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

🔴 Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"

Your jokes were hilarious! Thank you so much.

[Hurricane88]

TGIF jokes...