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Matters of the Heart. Has a Commercial Fuck turned into a torrid Love Affair which has turned your life upside down? Fear not. We have experts here who can help you through your roller coaster ride. Tell us your story and we'll do our best to help.

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  #1  
Old 10-07-2022, 11:24 PM
TurtleStreets TurtleStreets is offline
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Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Hello sirs and sis!

M, 28 turning 29. Single. Decent job (to me, at least). I realised that I heavily invested a lot of my time and effort in my 20s in building my career and I have severely neglected time for self-reflection and planning. Im slowly starting to do it now. I take random buses and ponder about life until I reach the bus terminal.

To be honest, I am just looking for any general life advice from older (hopefully more wiser samsters).

Things like:
>What's your age and how did your view of 'Love' change over the years
>Is it still worth it to get married in Singapore? Local vs Foreigner?
>How do you deal with nosy people asking why are you still single at my age.
>Is there anything that I should be careful with now I am approaching my 30s in relationships?
>How to not get jaded by two-faced people either at work/professional setting?
>How do you (some of you feel) living a double-life with chionging and having a clean image in the day?
> Has chionging affected how you treat/view your relationships?


I know I'm just rambling. Thank you in advance for reading my post. Feel free to discuss your perspectives.

I will reply whenever I can.
  #2  
Old 11-07-2022, 03:11 AM
Peacekeeping Peacekeeping is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Why don’t you answer your own questions and we tell you whether you are going the right direction.
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  #3  
Old 11-07-2022, 08:50 AM
TurtleStreets TurtleStreets is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Why don’t you answer your own questions and we tell you whether you are going the right direction.
Fair enough.

For now, my definition of "Love" is a conscious decision to put 'person of interest's needs as a higher priority than others.

Is it still worth marrying? I honestly don't know. I am frankly terrified with how skewed laws are here. You can do your very best as a man and still might get divorce raped. Funnily enough, the blame will still be put on you for 'not choosing the right partner'.

I think that anyone who chooses to marry (even after attending marriage counselling courses ) do not wish their marriage to fall apart since they invested in preparation. But then again, we can only control our emotions and actions/reactions. What our partner does is beyond our control.

Local vs Foreigner? This a loaded question and I am bound to get flak.
I ask this question a lot IRL with acquaintances, friends and people I meet.

So far, I can summarise what they say as such:
>From religious friends, Doesn't matter-common faith more important. Religion provides Good foundation for values in children.
>Friends who are mid late 20s to mid 30s, Dont marry local. They are very materialistic. But marry foreigner, must churn out kid for partner to become PR.
>40s to 60s, Don't marry.
>My mom, Dont marry unless you want to have kids
>My colleagues, Marriage is important as it is part of a human's life cycle
( I should highlight that the sector I work in is heavily female-centric. Ratio of females to males at work is 6:1)
> Millenials and coomers, the environment and economic climate is so SHIT. Marry and have kids for what?!

How do you deal with nosy people asking why are you still single at my age. 'I just tell them that I work 5.5 days a week. I gym alternate days and I volunteer on weekends. Do you think I got time to find someone?'

Is there anything that I should be careful with now I am approaching my 30s in relationships? Not in 30s yet, that's why I am asking. I am willing to listen to whatever wisdom (however distorted) is shared. lmao

>How to not get jaded by two-faced people either at work/professional setting? To be honest, I am very jaded. I just treat my work place like how I treat my gym sessions: Go in , do my sets properly, ask nicely and share machine if asked, mind my own business , shower then go home.

>How do you (some of you feel) living a double-life with chionging and having a clean image in the day?
FEAR. However, to be honest, I really shouldnt be giving a fuck about what other people think. I take care of my parents. I don't break the law. I am not harming anyone (voluntarily) and I pay my taxes. I can do whatever I want! Like dessert before a meal!

But alas, we live in a society... thank you for reading
  #4  
Old 11-07-2022, 04:43 PM
kakasika kakasika is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by TurtleStreets View Post
Hello sirs and sis!

M, 28 turning 29. Single. Decent job (to me, at least). I realised that I heavily invested a lot of my time and effort in my 20s in building my career and I have severely neglected time for self-reflection and planning. Im slowly starting to do it now. I take random buses and ponder about life until I reach the bus terminal.

To be honest, I am just looking for any general life advice from older (hopefully more wiser samsters).

Things like:
>What's your age and how did your view of 'Love' change over the years
nearing 40, love ? different people different definition. for me not yet encounter

>Is it still worth it to get married in Singapore? Local vs Foreigner?
marriage is regardless of country or nationality. important is 2 people bringing out the best and genuinely happy together

>How do you deal with nosy people asking why are you still single at my age.
laugh it off, say good for them that they are married, no need to show what is good or bd about your own life

>Is there anything that I should be careful with now I am approaching my 30s in relationships?
careful ? well definitely need to becareful about girls who just want the financial stuff

>How to not get jaded by two-faced people either at work/professional setting?
let go of the attachment you have of these people and do your own thing

>How do you (some of you feel) living a double-life with chionging and having a clean image in the day?
dont need to double life, but do everything in moderation and plan for future for yourself, the right girl will come when you are a focused man

> Has chionging affected how you treat/view your relationships?
maybe made me more skeptical of foreign women who work in the night scence. but not more careful, not 100% discriminate as i have friends happily married to these foreign ladies

I know I'm just rambling. Thank you in advance for reading my post. Feel free to discuss your perspectives.

I will reply whenever I can.
my answers under in the quote
  #5  
Old 11-07-2022, 09:38 PM
TurtleStreets TurtleStreets is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

@kakasika

Wah, tnx for taking the time to reply.

Quote:
different people different definition. for me not yet encounter

marriage is regardless of country or nationality. important is 2 people bringing out the best and genuinely happy together
I mean..the main reason people ought to marry is because they think they have found a suitable partner to pair bond with.

But with divorce rates rising, the sanctity of marriage has been whittled down to like something you'd write in a CV. "5 years experience in marriage. Ended due to irreconcilable differences or financial diffculties"

Quote:
laugh it off, say good for them that they are married, no need to show what is good or bd about your own life
I actually like this advice now that I think about it. It doesn't sound as defensive. Also makes them feel good about themselves. I will try this.

Quote:
careful ? well definitely need to becareful about girls who just want the financial stuff
To be fair, it is a lot easier now since woman have same or even higher socioeconomic standing as men. Hard to find someone that truly cares-especially in this day and age since we have consumerism jammed down our throats. I literally get bombarded by advertisements the moment I step into MRT station or ride in the expressway

So far so good. 80% of dates, the lady offers to 'going dutch' on first and subsequent dates. Local women have slightly more 'refined' tastes tho.

As for foreign girls, Ive read from other samsters that you marry one-you marry the whole village.

Quote:
dont need to double life, but do everything in moderation and plan for future for yourself, the right girl will come when you are a focused man
You really think so? That sounds very reassuring to hear.
I chiong to fill a need. After I've satiated that need, I go back to being productive.

I do tend to tunnel vision when I have a specific goal in life. Whether it be the next career progression or educational attainment. Well, hopefully there is an equally weird yet sane person out there for me.Lmao

Quote:
maybe made me more skeptical of foreign women who work in the night scence. but not more careful, not 100% discriminate as i have friends happily married to these foreign ladies
Im glad your friends managed to overcome cultural differences. The way I see it, a long-term relationship/commitment only works out if one party gives up their way of life. I seldom see people who are in okayish marriages that have varying ways of life. Maybe it's the Asian culture
  #6  
Old 11-07-2022, 11:22 PM
Peacekeeping Peacekeeping is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by TurtleStreets View Post
Fair enough.

For now, my definition of "Love" is a conscious decision to put 'person of interest's needs as a higher priority than others.

Is it still worth marrying? I honestly don't know. I am frankly terrified with how skewed laws are here. You can do your very best as a man and still might get divorce raped. Funnily enough, the blame will still be put on you for 'not choosing the right partner'.

I think that anyone who chooses to marry (even after attending marriage counselling courses ) do not wish their marriage to fall apart since they invested in preparation. But then again, we can only control our emotions and actions/reactions. What our partner does is beyond our control.

Local vs Foreigner? This a loaded question and I am bound to get flak.
I ask this question a lot IRL with acquaintances, friends and people I meet.

So far, I can summarise what they say as such:
>From religious friends, Doesn't matter-common faith more important. Religion provides Good foundation for values in children.
>Friends who are mid late 20s to mid 30s, Dont marry local. They are very materialistic. But marry foreigner, must churn out kid for partner to become PR.
>40s to 60s, Don't marry.
>My mom, Dont marry unless you want to have kids
>My colleagues, Marriage is important as it is part of a human's life cycle
( I should highlight that the sector I work in is heavily female-centric. Ratio of females to males at work is 6:1)
> Millenials and coomers, the environment and economic climate is so SHIT. Marry and have kids for what?!

How do you deal with nosy people asking why are you still single at my age. 'I just tell them that I work 5.5 days a week. I gym alternate days and I volunteer on weekends. Do you think I got time to find someone?'

Is there anything that I should be careful with now I am approaching my 30s in relationships? Not in 30s yet, that's why I am asking. I am willing to listen to whatever wisdom (however distorted) is shared. lmao

>How to not get jaded by two-faced people either at work/professional setting? To be honest, I am very jaded. I just treat my work place like how I treat my gym sessions: Go in , do my sets properly, ask nicely and share machine if asked, mind my own business , shower then go home.

>How do you (some of you feel) living a double-life with chionging and having a clean image in the day?
FEAR. However, to be honest, I really shouldnt be giving a fuck about what other people think. I take care of my parents. I don't break the law. I am not harming anyone (voluntarily) and I pay my taxes. I can do whatever I want! Like dessert before a meal!

But alas, we live in a society... thank you for reading
Let me summarise that without a woman in life, we are definitely missing something and not complete. But to marry a woman you canÂ’t trust or donÂ’t love is even worse than being single. So, have a realistic idea of what kind of woman you want as wife, looks, character etc. If have, good. If donÂ’t have then also try to live a good life. If someone ask you why still single then just say canÂ’t find the right match loh. When you are in your 30s and still single, people more or less know you are going to these places lah. But itÂ’s not a crime and you are not obliged to share your private life with other people. On the streets you will see some guys settle with fat and cui gals as their gf. If IÂ’m them I would rather enjoy my freedom and cheong to the max.
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  #7  
Old 12-07-2022, 01:37 AM
pearlnjewel pearlnjewel is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

TS you seem like being distracted by your surrounding. Its normal. I was also distracted by my surrounding when i was younger. Try not to be distracted by your surrounding because it will sap your energy and make you unproductive.

You need a hobby that you enjoy besides gyming. Something that will make you very focus. Just enjoy your hobby, you do not have to care whether you get a girlfriend or not, i know you are feeling FOMO because you reaching 30 and still single. Its okay to be single because i am single, other guys are single also. Just enjoy chionging like the rest of us until you meet your girlfriend one day.

No need guility for chionging, if guility then don't chiong for the day.


>What's your age and how did your view of 'Love' change over the years
I'm in <36 yo and always fomo for girlfriend, but i suck at talking. As i reach 30s naturally i start to feel okay with not having gf. Probably a maturity thing as you age.

>Is it still worth it to get married in Singapore? Local vs Foreigner?
Why bother local or foreigner. If you meet the true one u wont care liao. I still prefer local cos can understand each other better but well guess will wait for cupid to decide.

>How do you deal with nosy people asking why are you still single at my age.
If you are bothered means you are still immature. Nobody really ask others why you single.

>Is there anything that I should be careful with now I am approaching my 30s in relationships?
Dont offend people and try to not let ego get in the way, people who look like bad guys are nice people also when you don't judge people and actually have a neutral mindset.

>How to not get jaded by two-faced people either at work/professional setting?
You are doing well just continue, or switch to other jobs


>How do you (some of you feel) living a double-life with chionging and having a clean image in the day?
You don't have to hide if your friends ask, but depends on you. SOmetimes i talk about this FL stuff with colleague who are close but no one ever admitted they went to FL so i wont say too. Unless we all go chiong together then expose everyone. If female colleague is present then don't really have to say or can be honest say ya got go siam diu just dont tell them the details to save them the awkwardness.

> Has chionging affected how you treat/view your relationships?
Yes no one girl can satisfy me, will keep wanting to go for new girls and younger girls or older girls. It made me unwilling to settle down. Will only settle down once meet the one true love. Need to balance your vice spending also cos this vice really spend alot of money. The money can be better spent on housing.
  #8  
Old 12-07-2022, 07:06 AM
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AnnieYJL AnnieYJL is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

My perspective:

(1) Male usually lack confidence. How you carry yourself and your image.

(2) foreigners vs local wives - depends on character. My husband always say good character is a must for wife. Flirting is different

(3) I won’t say 1 person is lonely. Depends on what you do. I am single until 30+ and I miss my single days.

(4) Noisy relatives usually I avoid them. Just go overseas during CNY and it helps. Check airfares and you see other lonely ppl
  #9  
Old 12-07-2022, 05:36 PM
TurtleStreets TurtleStreets is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Can share how much CPF, savings or assets you have now?
Nah, Bro. Not the point of thread.
  #10  
Old 12-07-2022, 05:44 PM
TurtleStreets TurtleStreets is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
foreigners vs local wives - depends on character. My husband always say good character is a must for wife. Flirting is different
Character. I do believe that looks play apart in first impressions. Character is what keeps the conversation going though. How long does it take for you to ascertain someone's character so much so that you want to marry them?

What do you mean by 'flirting is different'?

Quote:
I won’t say 1 person is lonely. Depends on what you do. I am single until 30+ and I miss my single days.
Which part do you miss? Is it 'the grass is always greener on the other side' kind of thing? Surely, your hubby must be a good guy for you to tie the knot. Or did you feel like you 'settled' for someone?

Quote:
Noisy relatives usually I avoid them. Just go overseas during CNY and it helps. Check airfares and you see other lonely ppl
Damn, that is rather an extreme measure. But i guess, for my mental wellbeing, I'd go that far too.
  #11  
Old 12-07-2022, 07:26 PM
larue larue is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Take the idealism out of love.

Do a cold hard cost benefit analysis.

The only love where one always puts another ahead of self is parental love.

And that's not always guaranteed either.
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Old 12-07-2022, 07:34 PM
Peacekeeping Peacekeeping is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieYJL View Post
My perspective:

(1) Male usually lack confidence. How you carry yourself and your image.

(2) foreigners vs local wives - depends on character. My husband always say good character is a must for wife. Flirting is different

(3) I won’t say 1 person is lonely. Depends on what you do. I am single until 30+ and I miss my single days.

(4) Noisy relatives usually I avoid them. Just go overseas during CNY and it helps. Check airfares and you see other lonely ppl
What you said about confidence is true. Most sg guys are introvert that’s why lose to angmoh. It’s not because of the dick size.

It’s not lonely if you have many single friends to hang out together. When all your friends are married and too busy for you, you go out alone and see so many couples walking around. Then you will feel it.

Your husband must be a lucky man since he married you for your good character.
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Old 12-07-2022, 07:42 PM
Peacekeeping Peacekeeping is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by larue View Post
Take the idealism out of love.

Do a cold hard cost benefit analysis.

The only love where one always puts another ahead of self is parental love.

And that's not always guaranteed either.
Love by itself is emotional. Practical love won’t last neither do marriage out of necessity. So many sg couples marry to buy a hdb flat.
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Old 12-07-2022, 08:27 PM
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by TurtleStreets View Post
Is it still worth marrying? Perhaps first ask yourself, "What are you looking for in a marriage", rather that is it worth marrying? If you cant look for the thing you want in a marriage, then why marry? If you can find it in a marriage, consider if there are alternatives. If not, then just get married.

Local vs Foreigner? Doesnt matter to me. Whats important is that you do not limit your market.
Local population only has 6m people and about half of them are of the gender you are looking for. Thats 3m.
Another country has 50m population and 25m of them being your prospective gender. Which market will you find that person easier? There is only 1 YOU.
Then think about this: what if you have access to both markets? hmmmmm
From my experience, the further you are willing to dig, the better prospects you will be able to find.

How do you deal with nosy people asking why are you still single at my age.
Why do you even have to deal with them? Its your life, not theirs. You single not they single, why they care? If they're single too, ask them to solve their own problems first before coming to yours.

Is there anything that I should be careful with now I am approaching my 30s in relationships? Careful with your money, because you will have less time available to earn it if you lose it. Time is more precious now compared to being in your 20s. Also dont try to use money to get a serious girl / wife (paid sex is fine, but not paid relationship).

>How to not get jaded by two-faced people either at work/professional setting? For most people in this world, what they hated in their job wasnt the job itself. Its almost always about THE PEOPLE IN THE JOB. Most people are as jaded about these people as you are. Yes its a torture to face them daily, but its a normal part of life. You want this to stop? 2 ways: be your own boss. or.... earn enough asap and quit this thing altogether.

>How do you (some of you feel) living a double-life with chionging and having a clean image in the day?
I'm a low profile person in real life and i intend to keep it that way. So i dont have much problems dealing with such double life and i dont see it as odd in the first place. Theres a time to play and time to work.
my answers above
  #15  
Old 12-07-2022, 08:50 PM
larue larue is offline
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Re: Seeking Life Advice ..Ramblings of sorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacekeeping View Post
Love by itself is emotional. Practical love won’t last neither do marriage out of necessity. So many sg couples marry to buy a hdb flat.
I’m not referring only to material matters of course. I wasn’t even thinking about HdB flats.

Even on emotional matters, there are costs and benefits to be analysed.

What makes me happy, what can the other person do that makes me happy?

What can I offer to make the other party happy. Is it a price that’s too high for me?

At the end of the day, this results in the best outcomes for everybody.

Last edited by larue; 12-07-2022 at 08:51 PM. Reason: Spelling
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